Crazy is as crazy does ;)

I don’t like where I work, or the people that I work with. I do so much for that place, but am only seen as the villain because I care the most about following rules and ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKING when on the clock… Then you have that my cousin who was the one who was always exuberantly happy on the outside, the one who literally traveled the world, the one who had a dream job and so many friends took her life a year ago… I have severe anxiety that I allow to control so much of what I do. After being in a car accident when I was almost 19 I didn’t drive for a while due to pain, but also anxiety. I have a panic attack behind the wheel, but no one ever truly takes the time to go on short drives to help me… In a month or so it will be a year since my break-up with a man that I adore, who has a son that I adore. Not having either of them in my life has been crushing. After having been together for almost a year and focusing so much of my time and energy outside of work on them bouncing back is hard. I now understand why he and I are not the perfect fit as a couple, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss the many wonderful things about the friendship that was in our relationship… For so much of my life I have fought with myself about having kids. Working with kids in the past and having so many friends with so many wonderful children has truly been the greatest blessing. But I don’t have good genes, and had in the past felt like I shouldn’t have a child of my own so that I wouldn’t pass down my genes. I got past that feeling because the maternal urge is a much stronger feeling for me. I ache inside all the fucking time seeing so many people who had “oops” babies that turn in to their whole world… Especially when thinking about the miscarriage I had 5 years ago. I was not at all far along, but being that I would love nothing more than to be a mother it is a huge blow. And for those who do not believe that seasonal affective disorder is real, you do not know what depression feels like. This time of year is so hard for me because the change in season makes me more depressed, thinking about my loss makes me more depressed, being anxious that I will never make anything of myself is depressing, and the holidays looming makes me more depressed. I used to say that I wanted to have a child by the time I turned 28 because I want to still be young enough to keep up when they are young and to be able to relate when they get older and need me… But here I am, about to be 26 in January and I feel like I have nothing going for me. I honestly hate myself. I don’t drive, so I can’t do much of anything, and that creates an avalanche effect. I have no degree, I work somewhere that is mentally and emotionally draining, I don’t have many friends anymore, and my family has their own issues to deal with. The thought of not having a child because I have held myself back in life so many times makes me hate myself…… I don’t want to be in my late 30s when I have a child, because my chronic illnesses will make it harder by then, and “geriatric” pregnancies run more risks as is. And some days the thought of not having a child of my own anytime soon is enough to make me want to die

catnobananaa:

bitesizedsocks:

myalternatereality:

- parents’ evening

- sleepovers

- literally the entirety of Christmas Day

- lying in bed with earphones in

- flights

- exams

- anything you do between 3-4am

- driving in the dark

-when you come out of the movie theater and it’s dark outside

-hanging out in an empty parking lot at night

-playgrounds at night

-hospitals

I’ve got to say that this has got to be the hardest break up that I have ever been through… I’ve been with men who aren’t very lovey dove, but this is the most emotionally unavailable man I’ve ever been with. But that isn’t even the kicker. This is the first time that I dated someone with a child that I spent time with. We were together for close to a year, and even though it was somewhat long distance I cherished every minute that I got to spend with the two of them. I am the sort of emotionally attached, needy person that counts the days and weeks its been since I have seen or spoken to them. My heart aches so deeply. Tumblr has for so many years been my safe space to openly vent about life. So here I am on yet another occasion, rambling. I haven’t even been on here much in the past 2 years, but it feels like a safe space….. I don’t know how I am going to be okay after this break up. I keep trying to hope that he will see the error of his ways, and want to get back together. Things like this weekend cut me like a knife; this weekend makes me feel unimportant. I always put so much of myself in to other people. I love deeply, and I try so hard to keep certain people in my life; I try to be a people pleaser. The same thought that goes through so many people’s minds after a break up “Why am I not good enough? What could I have done differently? Would he have stayed if…?” The past few weeks I have felt the whole gambit of emotions. There are even some days when I feel them all. I have had countless panic attacks, deep depressive lows, and moments of anger and numbness. I thought that perhaps I had found my life partner; someone that I could raise a family with, and live happily ever after with. It hurts so badly to be so wrong. I know that he is stressed, at his wit’s end, and quite depressed himself; but I wanted to help him through it all. I did my best to be as open as possible with him in the relationship, but I felt like I was being met with a wall plenty of times. I’ve called him my favorite robot lately, and I’m not sure people completely understand what I mean. He is so emotionally unavailable when it comes to anyone that he doesn’t share blood with, and even then its strained if it isn’t his child. But he can be very kind, thoughtful, and so much more. I have seen the best of him, and that is what I cling to. There are so many memories from this past year that make my heart happy. Not all of the things that I am thankful for are big ones either. I miss getting donuts on Sundays. I miss watching the munchkin be creative with his building blocks, toy figures, or whatever characters we were running around as. I miss going on walks. I miss every minute with them. I can’t imagine my life without them in it. I haven’t discussed it with many people because as a suspicious person I somehow feel like the more it is talked about the more real it becomes… I don’t talk about my cousin’s suicide from back in August much either. Painful things are easier for me to try to shove off to the side. I don’t want to think about them if I don’t immediately have to. But I have to somewhat deal with this. I had started buying his family Christmas presents before the break up, and I still care a great deal for everyone, so I don’t want to return the gifts. This has gotten to be the most anxious I have been for an extended period of time in all of my life. I just need something in my life to go right, soon. Work is a shit show, and my relationship was my one little piece of happiness….Blagh

stolenfootprints:

Just because your day started off badly doesn’t mean it has to end bad, take some deep breathes, look around, think about all the things you have to be thankful for and tell yourself the rest of the day is going to be a good one.

I’m somewhat used to not getting to talk to my boyfriend very much as of late because he is so busy with work, his son, his masters program, etc…but not having the ability to contact him if I wanted to is going to drive me up a wall! He’s been flying all day, and will be too busy to even try to see if his phone works when he gets to Asia. We say good morning and goodnight to each other pretty much every day, and every time I have a hard day he’s the first person I want to talk to. I want to hear about his day, I want to know he is okay. It’s already been 24hrs since our phone call and I am losing it. I miss him. I hate that I am such an emotional person.

When someone passes away everyone always posts things on social media about how great they were…My brain has a hard time allowing me to go to that same rainbowy/unicorn filled/gum drop land that others go to. I loved my cousin very much, and it’s hard for me to believe that she is gone and even harder still that she took her own life. But I can not pretend that my memories of her for so many years were not sunshiney ones. She often made me feel isolated at family gatherings, making snide comments and jokes. She didn’t even say more than two words to me the last couple of times I saw her over the years, and being the very anxious person I am I could not bring myself to confront her. I have fond memories of us as kids together, and sure I could talk about those…But I feel like a liar to highlight the past when I was hurt for so many years since. I don’t think she ever understood how much my anxiety and depression controlled my life, and I never knew how much she struggled with mental illness as well. One thing that I can say about her is she always did a damn good job of putting on a happy face whenever anyone was looking. She traveled the world and touched the lives of many people, and I am grateful for that. I am happy that there are hundreds, possibly thousands of people who felt empowered, inspired, loved, and uplifted by my cousin. I love that she touched so many lives on her brief time here on this earthly plane…but I can not bring myself to make a mushy post the way that my brother has. I feel as though I may be a bit on the autistic spectrum because I feel like only stating the brightest moments of a person are a falacy, and it’s hard for me to understand why we can’t speak to the whole of a person. When I was teaching I learned a technique called sandwiching- when discussing a child’s progress with parents you start with good, then the not so good, then finish it with positivity. I feel like only speaking a half truth is a lie of omission. I don’t know…. I just needed to write some of this shit down